


Winter

by Talullah



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-14 15:34:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2197143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talullah/pseuds/Talullah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finduilas walks with her father.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Winter

**Author's Note:**

> My thanks go to the lovely larienelengasse, who is ever patient and good to me and the best beta a girl could ask for. All remaining mistakes are solely mine.
> 
> This was heavily inspired by Tori Amos's 'Winter'.
> 
> [Disclaimer/Blanket Statement](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Talullah/profile)

**Nargothrond, First Age 494**

"Ada, wait!" Finduilas shouted to Orodreth's back as he walked into the frozen garden.

He laughed and glanced back. "You always take so long to get ready for anything."

"Not so!" she exclaimed with a short laugh as she ran to catch up with him. She tucked her arm inside his and took a deep breath of pure, cold air. "I just went back for my mittens."

"Since when are you so sensitive to the cold?" Orodreth asked surprised. "You have a red nose," he added grinning while he gently pinched her nose between two knuckles.

"Ada..." she protested, slightly embarrassed, but loving her special little girl treatment.

He leaned over to her and pecked her cheek. "You will always be my little girl; you might as well become used to it."

She leaned her head onto his shoulder. "That is nice. I like being your little girl," she sighed, rubbing his arm with her free hand.

They walked in silence along the lane. Finduilas wanted to unload her burden but Orodreth had so much to worry about already. Moments of precious, calm silence like these were rare gifts; the last thing she wanted was to worry him further but he had to know what she had discovered.

"You are wearing new boots, are you not?" he asked, breaking the silence as they reached the end of the lane.

"Yes," was her laconic answer, but she could not help wiggling her toes inside the comfortable fur-lined boots, enjoying the feeling.

"They are different..." Orodreth remarked, leaving her room to give more information.

She sighed. This was a way to start the conversation as good as any other. "They were a gift."

"Not Gwindor?" Orodreth asked cautiously.

"No. Agarwaen. They are man made. I do not know how he got them." She knew she was blabbering and that Orodreth would notice, but saying Agarwaen had been a lie and she was a terrible liar. It burned her lips.

"Ah, I thought so." Orodreth replied pensively. "One more suitor, eh? Maybe one of these days you will pick one and give me grandchildren," he jested, passing his arm around her shoulders and squeezing fondly.

"No, Ada." She lowered her head, feeling her eyes burn. It was just the cold and inevitability, nothing more.

"You look unhappy, my sweet." Finduilas could hear the concern in her father's voice and already she had started to regret allowing him to perceive how she felt. Still, she had never felt so alone and could not contain a sigh.

"Oh, Ada." She leaned heavier onto his shoulder, seeking comfort as a child would.

They turned to follow a stream that lead to the Narog and walked in silence for a while longer, listening to the soft crushing of the frozen ground beneath their feet. Orodreth waited in silence and his patience was finally rewarded.

"It is a mess," she said at last. "I said something that I should not have. I always make a mess of everything." She clutched her father's arm tighter.

Orodreth ran his fingers through her hair, soothingly. "What happened, my sweet?"

"I discovered something," she answered reluctantly.

"Yes?"

"It is about Agarwaen." Each word seemed to tarry in her mouth, but she had to let her father know. "He is Túrin, son of Húrin."

Orodreth was stilled by the shock. "How do you know this, Finduilas?" he finally asked, drawing her from his chest to look into her eyes.

"Gwindor told me." She held her father's stare; he was still stunned by the revelation.

"Are you sure he was telling the truth?"

She nodded slowly. "Yes. Why would he lie? Besides, I confronted Túrin and he did not deny it."

"But that is good news," Orodreth started, only to be stopped by her gasp. He held her, concerned yet impotent. "What is happening, dear, tell me, please."

Finduilas broke under the tenderness in his voice. "Oh Ada," she sobbed. "I am sorry, I am so very sorry. I did not mean to crumble in front of you. Your life is already so burdened."

"No, no, no, no. Ssh, ssh." He rocked her in his arms and rubbed her back soothingly.

"Why did Gwindor tell you this? What else did he tell you?" he asked trying to contain his anger, but then he realised anger would do no good.

"Sweet child, you have to tell me exactly what is happening. Maybe I should have taken better care of you, taken more time to listen to you but I am here now and I need to know why you are this unhappy."

Finduilas stood very still absorbing her father's warmth through the thick clothing. After a few deep breaths she said, "It is a very old yet simple story, only the players are new. I do not love the one who loves me and the one I love does not love me. Silly, is it not?" She tried to smile but the corners of her lips twitched down.

Orodreth wiped a stubborn tear and pulled her by the hand. They needed to walk more for her to let the emotions subside and for him to order his thoughts.

"Despite your silence, I have noticed that you are not as close to Gwindor as you once were," he said at length. "On one hand, I am sad for him because he is a young man of worth and you once formed a lovely couple. I really thought that he was going to be the father of my grandchildren. But if I am not mistaken, your new love is also a man of valour. Although it would pain me to see you bind to a mortal, I would rather have it than seeing you this unhappy."

Finduilas smiled bitterly at her father's subtle blessing. "Do not worry Ada, that is not going to happen. The binding to a mortal, that is."

"And why is that not going to happen, my sweet?" Orodreth enquired, not withholding some relief in his voice.

"He does not court me." Her voice was as flat and cold as the frozen lake ahead.

Despite his disfavour for this union, Orodreth could not withstand the defeat he saw in her. "I courted your mother a long time ago, but I still remember bringing her gifts," he tried.

"No, Ada, this is different," she said resolutely. "I am a silly little elf, someone who he sees like a younger sister. He loves someone else."

"Why are you so sure of this?"

"I do not know. I simply know he does not love me that way, that he longs for another." Finduilas let go of her father's arm and walked ahead for a few steps.

He called from behind. "There was a time when you were known as Faelivrin. He still loves you."

"I know, Ada." She lowered her chin to her chest and stared at the ground absently. "I love him you know. I still love him, but not enough, not as before, just like a dear, dear old friend. Oh, why can't I love him?"

Orodreth petted her hair, and held her closer. "Child, you can only love who you love. It is never simple."

"I know, but Ada I should have married him before, we could be happy now despite everything. I could have had his children. I know that if it were so, I would have never looked upon another. I should never have hesitated then." Tried as she would, Finduilas could not hide the despair in her voice.

"Oh, my sweet child. Love will come again and you will love someone who loves you too."

Reassuring as Orodreth might sound, Finduilas was not convinced. Hope had left her long ago. "No, Ada, this will be the last time I love. I know it. I feel time passing and I am forever the same, I cannot change, I cannot grow. I am wilting, instead. I have trapped myself in a tiny world. I am feeling old, Ada, grey and dusty inside."

Orodreth squashed her against his chest. "Do not say that, please do not. This is just a moment in your life. You will live your dreams. You just have to be patient and everything will come to its place."

"No, Ada, I doubt that. Every thing around us seems destined for destruction, darkness, corruption."

"But not you. You must trust that change will come, so many changes, and not all of them bad." Finduilas smiled into her father's chest. She trusted his word; changes would come, for sure. Just not those she so badly needed.

They stood still in the embrace, father and daughter contemplating loss, glimpses of happiness, foregone opportunities, broken dreams carefully stored in the silent library of regret, days that would never return, hours that would never come.

"Maybe I could learn to love Gwindor again," she murmured at last, reluctantly, only to add, "I know that is what I should try to do but it sounds so dishonest. I could never hurt him this way. But I love him so." She knew that despair was shining through again.

"No child. Do not go against your heart. Do not do that."

The sadness in his voice alerted her. "Ada, what is it?"

Orodreth made a sketch of a smile. "Not all loves are happy."

"Were you not happy with Nana?" Finduilas was suddenly invaded by fear.

"No, I was very happy with you mother, very, very happy," he answered pensively.

"But what then?" she asked puzzled.

"Today is not my day," he said slowly. "I will tell you an old story another time. Today I want to see you through. I am proud of you and I love you, and I know you will be happy." He kissed her cheek. "Never change."

Finduilas smiled and fought the last tears that swelled in her eyes. She held her head up and took her father's arm. She could muster her heart to believe Orodreth's hopes, but she loved still, she loved her people, and Túrin, unrequited as it was, and Gwindor, failed as it was, and above all she loved her father. This gave her the strength to hide her doubts. He would think she was happy. She would make sure of that.

 

 _Finis_  
May 2005


End file.
